


Mirror, Mirror

by mageicalwishes



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [14]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: (Simon Has A Negative View Of His Weight Gain So There Is Some Negative Language Used About That), Angst, Carry On Countdown 2020 (Simon Snow), Carry on Countdown Day 14, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Soft Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27970568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: Simon struggles with his body image Post-Carry On."Sometimes I just … get so mad at them (At myself, really). I wish that they’d just grow up and tell me like it is. Tell me how much I’ve disappointed them. Tell me that they no longer want me."Carry On Countdown, Day 14 - Constellations
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027147
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	Mirror, Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Negative feeling/language used around body image (Particularly weight gain). If this will make you uncomfortable or is a trigger for you, please do not read this! I should have something a lot more happy and everything tomorrow! 
> 
> Also, I just want to make it clear that the thoughts/feelings around certain body features & appearances are from the POV of a Simon struggling with pretty severe self-hatred, and don't in any way reflect MY personal views or opinions. I would never judge anybody on their weight or any other aspect of their physical appearance! I was just trying to get into the very negative way I think that Simon perceives himself.

**Simon**

I want to put my fist through this fucking mirror. Baz only put it up a week ago, but I’m already about to wreck it (That’s the only thing I’m good at anymore.  _ Wrecking things. _ Watford. Ebb. The Mage. Baz. Agatha. Penny.  _ Ruin and death and upset. That’s me _ ). And it’s all his fault. 

Well, okay, it isn’t  _ really his _ fault (I’m just being a prat, again). But …  _ he’s _ the one who decided to put it opposite the bloody shower. And  _ he’s _ the one who spelled it so that it doesn’t steam up. So,  _ he’s _ the reason that I’m forced to see myself like this every day I manage to wash up. Forced to look at the mess that I’ve become (The mess I’ve  _ always _ been under that  _ bullshit  _ prophecy). I just don’t understand. Everything about me is … wrong. But, everybody keeps lying to me, and telling me that I’m fine. 

The freakish leather wings, and comical cartoon tail.  _ Utterly ridiculous _ and  _ constantly _ in the way - Always bashing into stuff and getting me in trouble.  _ A bloody nuisance.  _

Baz adores them. He always goes all melty and blushy when I wrap him up in my wings. And at night, sometimes, when he thinks I’m asleep, I can feel him softly tracing his fingers over their spiked ridges.  _ I don’t know why. I never ask. _

He’s always wrapping my tail around his palm, and holding on to it, like he used to my hand (I don’t really like holding hands that much, anymore. I get too stressed and then they get all clammy. It’s easier with the tail. It isn’t really mine, so he isn’t  _ really _ touching  _ me _ ). Occasionally, half-smiling at me, like I’ve done something cute, when it starts thrashing itself about.  _ It’s not cute, it’s fucking stupid. _ I can’t even control my own body, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. 

Penny says that they’re ‘fascinating’ and has taken to calling them my ‘marvels’ (Which, she has assured me, is not her attempt at taking the piss). She thinks that they’re a sign that I still have magic (Since she doesn’t think they could be sustained without it). I think that she’s just so desperate to get the old, ‘proper’ Simon back, that she’s taken to believing anything, no matter how impossible it may be. I know my magic isn’t coming back. It was never mine in the first place.  _ I stole it. _

The pudginess of my stomach. The purple stretch marks that spread across every major body part - From the backs of my knees to the swell of my chest. I’m used to being either bone thing or well muscled (Care homes and sword swinging will do that to you), so these features are unwelcome foreign invaders. I don’t like to see what I’ve done with all the lazing, and snacking, and drinking. I want to pretend that it didn’t happen - That none of  _ this _ happened. Want to pretend that I’m still  _ me.  _ But the blubbery, tiger-striped mess in the mirror is ruining my denial. 

When I asked him, Baz said that he doesn’t mind - That he likes me at any weight (Except when I was super skinny. Not because I looked bad, apparently, but because it made him worry). He said that if I  _ wanted _ to lose the weight then he could help me - That we could go to the gym together, or go for some walks. But that just annoyed me. He’s happy ‘cause he says I’m more comfy now. When I let him, he likes sleeping with his head in my lap, cause he says my thighs are ‘cushiony’. And he says that he likes the marks, that they add ‘interest’ to my skin (Which is probably just the people with swathes of unblemished skin’s way of saying weird). That they’re purple lightning (Which is ‘perfect’ because his favourite feature of weather is thunderstorms). Sometimes he traces them, too (He does a lot of tracing me, apparently), but I normally smack his hand away after a while ‘cause it makes me think about them. I don’t want to think about them. 

And then there’s the bloody moles and freckles, marring every inch of skin. 

One of the first embarrassing (His words, not mine) things Baz told me about is that he’d been wanting to kiss the mole on my neck since we were 12, and nothing has changed since then. He’s always treating them like targets. Pressing his lips against them with cherishment. 

He calls them my ‘constellations’. Sometimes when we’re being soft, he’ll grab a part of me and draw imaginary lines between them, telling me about all the fancy constellations that they supposedly match up with. I think he just makes it up half the time, but I don’t really know. He likes to point them out, and I like listening to him speak. 

Penny says that people like Marilyn Monroe used to draw moles on, so she reckons they’re desirable. But Agatha used to cover the one on her chin up with makeup, so obviously that isn’t a universal thing. And, I mean, I’ve seen Marilyn Monroe, and she only put like 2 on, which isn’t comparable with my facial infestation  _ at all. _ So, I don’t think she’s right, not about that. 

Sometimes I just … get so mad at them (At myself, really). I wish that they’d just grow up and tell me like it is. Tell me how much I’ve disappointed them. Tell me that they no longer want me. 

Penny has always sugar-coated things for me. When I’d get frustrated about being dumb, she’d sit there and list all my non-academic qualities. When I’d nearly get her killed, she’d say that it was her fault for being stubborn and coming with me. That it wasn’t me (Even though it  _ definitely _ was). 

But Baz used to be honest. He used to say that the moles made it look like I have pox. That my hair was comparable to a ‘particularly shittily constructed birdsnest’. That my uniform was tatty. I think that I believe the old Baz more than the new Baz. New Baz is love-blind. New Baz doesn’t want to hurt me, even with the truth. New Baz won’t tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore because he knows that I need him.

The only one that is honest anymore is  _ me. _ I don’t need them to tell me everything I’m not, when I have the mirror to show me what I truly am. I don’t need lies when I’m looking at the ugly truth. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed :) Comments and kudos, appreciated.  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> I have yet to do my final grammar & spellcheck as it is incredibly late. If you notice any mistakes they should be gone soon, so don't fret :)   
> ALSOOOO I low-key (High-key) hate this, but I've had an absolutely terrible day lol (I'm alright now) so my writing wasn't coming out how I wanted (I just didn't want to let the day ruin the good streak I've been on :(). So ... don't take this is as the best quality I am able to achieve lol.


End file.
